There’s no better way to run your business into the ground than to have really poor customer service and make it unquestionably certain that the next time your customer needs a product or service that you provide, he will look elsewhere. OK, there are many great ways to run your business into the ground (and believe me, I know), but this is definitely a great start. Drawing from years of professional experience, I give you, my loyal followers, the top 10 ways to lose repeat business.
10. Customer service is overrated. So you sold them a TV that won’t turn on when they get it home. That’s their problem now!
9. Make sexual advances toward the client. She will love you for this. “Do you work at Subway? `cause you’re giving me a footlong!”
8. Be continuously late for every appointment. You’re client expects you at 4 pm so leaving the house at 3:45 to get there is totally fine even though it’s an hour drive.
7. Talk about your previous mishaps while you were making other deliveries. They’ll think its funny and won’t worry at all if you will get into an accident with the antique $1,000 grandfather clock in your trailer.
6. If he has kids, keep asking them their names and then call them the wrong name over and over. “Hey Taylor, do you want to help me out?” “My name’s Colin!” “Sorry Kevin”.
5. Stop off at a bar before arriving to meet the client. It’s just so much more comfortable to deal with people when you’re drunk.
4. Make racial jokes based on the customer’s ethnicity. “Hey Habib, been to any flight training schools lately?”
3. Be totally careless and if at all possible, break something. No explanation needed here.
2. Be sure to compliment her about her daughter and use phrases like “Wow she is HOT! What grade is she in again?”
And finally, the best way to absolutely guarantee you’ll never hear back from you customer again…
1. Actually get into an accident with the customer’s $1,000 antique grandfather clock in your trailer.*
*In my defense, it was drizzling, the road was wet, my tires were bad, and the cute girl in the Old Navy sweatshirt walking down the street was looking at me like she knew me. Not my fault. At all. **
**Ok she wasn’t really looking at me like she knew me, but she was really, really cute. ***
***Also, when I tried to take a picture of her, my iPhone didn’t want to cooperate and the guy in front of me DID NOT need to brake that quickly.****
****And the grandfather clock was fine! Geesh! Calm down! It’s not like I broke it!
Life Lessons #1: If you’re going to start a blog and talk about things only you and your buddies usually talk about, don’t tell your wife you started a blog! (See comment below)