I Wanna Stab Myself in the Eye

Man this has been a crappy day! I’m so glad it’s over and the weekend is almost here. It’s Wednesday night and I’m sitting in my really comfy “slightly used” leather chair writing to you, once again, from the man-cave.  I still haven’t seen any big spiders, so I think we’re OK.

Did you ever have one of those really bad days that you just wanted to stab yourself in the eye with a plastic spork from KFC? Like maybe you left the house kinda late because you were busy writing a blog post instead of getting ready for work and you hit some unexpected traffic and you end up getting to work three minutes late. And then you’re coworkers are bitchy and you’re computer is too slow and you feel like everything you touch turns to crap. Then you start plotting to cut out of work early and you almost get it worked out, but then your boss sends out a department wide email to remind you about the mandatory safety meeting at 3 pm. Now your beyond pissed, and really, your just downright snarky, so you reply that safety meeting email over to your buddy Chris with some wise-crack comment about the boss being so short he needs a step ladder to get into his Escalade and a phone book to see over the steering wheel, but when you hit send, you realize you didn’t change the name in the “TO” field to Chris and now you start freaking out because when you hit “SEND” on an email, there ain’t no coming back from that. I mean there is the option to recall the message, but the only thing that does is draw the recipients’ attention more to your embarrassing mistake then if you had just left it alone. You might as well get one of those really big white poster boards from the dollar store and write in big letters “Attention boss: please disregard the email I accidentally send to you this afternoon 09/14/2011 at 1:46 PM. Please observe and comply with the follow up option that you agree to erase this humiliating email from your inbox.” Now that I think about it, you may need 3 poster boards for that. So then you spend the next hour wondering when the boss will come across the inappropriate, yet highly accurate email, or if he’s already seen it, but just hasn’t said anything…yet. And to make matters worse, you’re about to go sit across from him in an hour long meeting while we talk about why texting and driving the forklift at the same time is just not safe practice. The last couple of hours of your work day feel like they go on for weeks.

Have you ever had one of those days?

Now if I know you, my friends, like I think I know you, you’re staring down at you iPhone (or Blackberry because you’re too mature, or your Cricket because you’re too poor, or your Android because you’re way to hip to use an Apple product in the same way Apple users were way too hip to use PCs in 1999) and your mouth is open and you might even be scratching your head and it’s killing you because you’re wondering…is he serious? Did he REALLY want to stab himself in the eye with a plastic spork from KFC? The answer is… not really. I mean I may have seriously considered it if I actually had a plastic spork from KFC at my desk at the time, because if you think about it, it’s really not a bad option considering the situation. I, for one, can think of many ways why you would consider stabbing yourself in the eye with a plastic spork a win. Sure, it would hurt like nothing you’ve ever felt, and chances are you might lose the eye, but overall, I think the good outweighs the bad in this case for many reasons.

As a matter of fact, I can think of ten reasons why stabbing yourself in the eye with a plastic spork from KFC could be considered a win.

  1. You are guaranteed to get the rest of the day off from work. How the hell is your boss gonna tell you not to go home when you’re obviously bleeding all over your shirt and your desk and you’re coworkers are all freaked out. That’s as good of an excuse as any to leave early.
  2. You get to spend the rest of the afternoon with really cute nurses in the emergency room. There’s no waiting room for the guy coming in with a spork hanging out of his face, my friends. That’s a golden ticket straight to the operating room where the pretty girls are at.
  3. You get some really good drugs from the doctor for a really great price. 80 count bottle of hydrocodone from Walgreens at the unbelievable price of $20? Yes, please.
  4. You get to play the “I’m too sick to…” card at home for the next couple of days while you lay in bed and watch Episodes I – VI continuously…again. This time on Blue Ray!
  5. You get to wear a really sweet eye patch and people can’t call you a douche or a hipster because it’s for medical reasons. Chicks will totally dig you!
  6.  You get to sue KFC for a million dollars because they didn’t specifically warn you that stabbing yourself in the eye with one of their deadly sporks could cause serious injury. It was bound to happen!
  7. You will most likely have a newspaper article written about your dumb ass that will most definitely end up on failblog.com and when that happens, you can totally go into the comment section and plug your blog while directing potential readers where they can hear all about the incident.
  8. You will suddenly have a topic worthy of writing a blog post about, and people may actually read it!
  9. You can write up a serious article called “Safe Workplace Environments and the Eating Utensil” and travel the country giving speeches at company safety meetings and you’ll suddenly be famous.
  10.  You totally just dodged the bullet regarding the really funny email you accidentally send your boss rather than your buddy. High five on that email too, it was hilarious!

That’s a win in my book!

Warning: The preceding article was just a joke and the brilliant author claims no responsibility for future incidents of people stabbing themselves in the eye with an eating utensil, whether it be plastic or silverware. Thank you and have a great day!

Good night, my loyal readers!

*Seriously, people, I should NOT have to explain myself after every post I write. Before you flood my inbox with the obvious question…The answer is no. This did not really happen to me. Today.

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1 Comment

Filed under Real Life

One response to “I Wanna Stab Myself in the Eye

  1. Pingback: Coming Soon: Life of Rob 2.0 | Life of Rob

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