Category Archives: Real Life

Clearly I’m Insane

When I was a child, I used to go to this little daycare right there by the house I grew up in and where my parents still live in Georgetown. Directly across the street from us was a huge undeveloped field where all the neighborhood kids used to play and run free.  Across the field sits a little house that served as the daycare where I spent many days at that time in my life. If you ask about specific recollections from that time period, I really couldn’t tell you much, as my childhood memories are almost nonexistent for some strange reason.  I kind of remember the background and little bits and pieces, but nothing real specific with the exception of one dramatic summer afternoon. This would be a precursor of my life to come.

The schedule at the daycare was the same every single day. Like the day before, and the day before that, I ate lunch in the kitchen and then headed back for my afternoon nap. Of course, before I could do that, I had to get my blanket, because how in the world can you get to sleep without the security of a blankie, right? So I head up to the front area to the cubbyholes right there next to the front entrance. Mine is right at arm’s length. I don’t have to bend or stretch…I just reach in and grab my beloved blanket. As I back up to head to the nap room, something catches my eye. Right there, a mere inches from where I was just standing, there’s a huge black snake curled up in the cubby just below mine and he’s looking at me like “What? You got a problem?”. “No sir” I say. “Just headed back to take my nap.”

He just looks at me and sticks his tongue out.

Now I’m a child. A small child. I don’t think I was in Kindergarten yet, so I must have been 3 or 4. Even still, I know what a snake is and I am fully aware of the dangers of this evil creature. I remember thinking to myself “This is a daycare and there are a lot of kids here. I don’t believe a nasty snake has any business in this cubbyhole. I suppose I should let the grownups know before someone gets bit”. Slowly, I walk to the kitchen where the teachers are cleaning up and the rest of the kids are finishing their lunch. I don’t know how many kids are there. In my mind there are 30 or 40. In reality, it’s probably 5 or 10. I walk up to the teacher nearest to me and I simply say “There’s a snake in my cubbyhole”.

Her first reaction is fear. “There’s a what?!?!?”, followed by anger because she doesn’t believe me. “Don’t you EVER come in here with a story like that!”. Then finally concern as she suddenly sees the seriousness in my demeanor. Together, we walk back over to the front of the house and, low and behold, right there just like I saw a few minutes before, there’s a big fat snake sitting in a cubbyhole.

And just like that…panic erupts.

Kids are screaming at the top of their lungs, adults are trying to calm everyone down, and we are all suddenly in emergency mode. We’re being evacuated to the playground out back (which ironically sits right there next to the field where the snake originally came from), and the cops are on their way. You would think it was hostage standoff by the seriousness of the situation. I can’t tell you how many times I heard “I want my mommy”.

But it was just a snake. Not even a rattlesnake. The thing wasn’t going after anyone. He wasn’t gonna grow wings and start flying at people. He doesn’t even have legs to chase after anyone. He’s just sitting there doing nothing. I’m looking around at all the chaos and I’m like “Really? Is this serious enough for these kids to be crying? Why??” By this time animal control is there and they have the snake in their possession. The situation is under control and still, kids are hysterical. I almost had to laugh.

Throughout my life, I’ve always had this cool, relaxed, rarely fazed, laid back attitude where serious stuff doesn’t have much of an effect on me. Granted, I haven’t been in a whole lot of life and death situations (aside from the time my girlfriend and  I were held by knife point in a Texas Tech dorm room, or the time that a child predator was following a friend and I home from middle school), but things don’t seem to matter to me. If I can deal with a snake sitting 6 inches in front of me at 4 years old, how hard do you think it is for me to deal with….say…a divorce? Not too difficult, my friends.

Many of you have shown some real concern for me and I really appreciate the kind words and support. That being said, you must understand who I am. I miss Shelley. She’s an absolute wonderful woman and the best wife any man could ever ask for. For me to walk away is absolutely insane, but this is my choice and I’m not all that upset about it. Why should I be? This is a new chapter in both of our lives. A time to explore new options, experience new things, and grow stronger as individuals. That’s cause for a celebration. I realize that I am probably one in a million who would dare say something so idiotic, but that’s just me. I’m the eternal optimist.

Or I really am insane…which may very well be the case.

 

*Before you ask, the answer is yes…I really did get held by knife point in a dorm room, and yes I was being prayed on by a sick man is a white van with the words “free candy” on the side. Maybe one night I’ll tell you all about it. Not thins night…I’m going to bed.

**OK fine…so it wasn’t a van and there was no “free candy” written anywhere, but he was def following us. I was almost flattered!

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I Wanna Stab Myself in the Eye

Man this has been a crappy day! I’m so glad it’s over and the weekend is almost here. It’s Wednesday night and I’m sitting in my really comfy “slightly used” leather chair writing to you, once again, from the man-cave.  I still haven’t seen any big spiders, so I think we’re OK.

Did you ever have one of those really bad days that you just wanted to stab yourself in the eye with a plastic spork from KFC? Like maybe you left the house kinda late because you were busy writing a blog post instead of getting ready for work and you hit some unexpected traffic and you end up getting to work three minutes late. And then you’re coworkers are bitchy and you’re computer is too slow and you feel like everything you touch turns to crap. Then you start plotting to cut out of work early and you almost get it worked out, but then your boss sends out a department wide email to remind you about the mandatory safety meeting at 3 pm. Now your beyond pissed, and really, your just downright snarky, so you reply that safety meeting email over to your buddy Chris with some wise-crack comment about the boss being so short he needs a step ladder to get into his Escalade and a phone book to see over the steering wheel, but when you hit send, you realize you didn’t change the name in the “TO” field to Chris and now you start freaking out because when you hit “SEND” on an email, there ain’t no coming back from that. I mean there is the option to recall the message, but the only thing that does is draw the recipients’ attention more to your embarrassing mistake then if you had just left it alone. You might as well get one of those really big white poster boards from the dollar store and write in big letters “Attention boss: please disregard the email I accidentally send to you this afternoon 09/14/2011 at 1:46 PM. Please observe and comply with the follow up option that you agree to erase this humiliating email from your inbox.” Now that I think about it, you may need 3 poster boards for that. So then you spend the next hour wondering when the boss will come across the inappropriate, yet highly accurate email, or if he’s already seen it, but just hasn’t said anything…yet. And to make matters worse, you’re about to go sit across from him in an hour long meeting while we talk about why texting and driving the forklift at the same time is just not safe practice. The last couple of hours of your work day feel like they go on for weeks.

Have you ever had one of those days?

Now if I know you, my friends, like I think I know you, you’re staring down at you iPhone (or Blackberry because you’re too mature, or your Cricket because you’re too poor, or your Android because you’re way to hip to use an Apple product in the same way Apple users were way too hip to use PCs in 1999) and your mouth is open and you might even be scratching your head and it’s killing you because you’re wondering…is he serious? Did he REALLY want to stab himself in the eye with a plastic spork from KFC? The answer is… not really. I mean I may have seriously considered it if I actually had a plastic spork from KFC at my desk at the time, because if you think about it, it’s really not a bad option considering the situation. I, for one, can think of many ways why you would consider stabbing yourself in the eye with a plastic spork a win. Sure, it would hurt like nothing you’ve ever felt, and chances are you might lose the eye, but overall, I think the good outweighs the bad in this case for many reasons.

As a matter of fact, I can think of ten reasons why stabbing yourself in the eye with a plastic spork from KFC could be considered a win.

  1. You are guaranteed to get the rest of the day off from work. How the hell is your boss gonna tell you not to go home when you’re obviously bleeding all over your shirt and your desk and you’re coworkers are all freaked out. That’s as good of an excuse as any to leave early.
  2. You get to spend the rest of the afternoon with really cute nurses in the emergency room. There’s no waiting room for the guy coming in with a spork hanging out of his face, my friends. That’s a golden ticket straight to the operating room where the pretty girls are at.
  3. You get some really good drugs from the doctor for a really great price. 80 count bottle of hydrocodone from Walgreens at the unbelievable price of $20? Yes, please.
  4. You get to play the “I’m too sick to…” card at home for the next couple of days while you lay in bed and watch Episodes I – VI continuously…again. This time on Blue Ray!
  5. You get to wear a really sweet eye patch and people can’t call you a douche or a hipster because it’s for medical reasons. Chicks will totally dig you!
  6.  You get to sue KFC for a million dollars because they didn’t specifically warn you that stabbing yourself in the eye with one of their deadly sporks could cause serious injury. It was bound to happen!
  7. You will most likely have a newspaper article written about your dumb ass that will most definitely end up on failblog.com and when that happens, you can totally go into the comment section and plug your blog while directing potential readers where they can hear all about the incident.
  8. You will suddenly have a topic worthy of writing a blog post about, and people may actually read it!
  9. You can write up a serious article called “Safe Workplace Environments and the Eating Utensil” and travel the country giving speeches at company safety meetings and you’ll suddenly be famous.
  10.  You totally just dodged the bullet regarding the really funny email you accidentally send your boss rather than your buddy. High five on that email too, it was hilarious!

That’s a win in my book!

Warning: The preceding article was just a joke and the brilliant author claims no responsibility for future incidents of people stabbing themselves in the eye with an eating utensil, whether it be plastic or silverware. Thank you and have a great day!

Good night, my loyal readers!

*Seriously, people, I should NOT have to explain myself after every post I write. Before you flood my inbox with the obvious question…The answer is no. This did not really happen to me. Today.

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Real Life Hall Pass: My Super Exciting Friday Night

Have y’all seen the movie “Hall Pass”? Well I haven’t, but I’ve seen the previews and the premise of the movie is very similar to the current situation I am in at this exact moment…Except instead of hanging out at a bar drinking with my buddies while surrounded by beautiful women, I’m actually at the house writing blog entries while surrounded by a tremendously hyper dog and an old cat.

Tomorrow, one of Shelley’s cousins is getting married in San Diego, so she flew out this morning to attend the wedding with her mother, and left me here at home with an unspoken “hall pass” to do whatever I want (as long as it doesn’t include any kind of general fun). But the jokes on her, because I am having an outrageous evening! Brace yourself, my friends, because you’re about to go with me on a wild ride!

After I dropped off my beautiful bride at the airport this morning, I drove back home and let the dog out before I took a long nap so I could be fully energized for the night to come (I slept part of the way without my CPAP sleep mask because, yea…I’m THAT crazy). After I woke up, I took me a long and relaxing shower, shaved, and headed out to Supercuts to hang with one of my girls, Michelle (by “hang”, I mean getting my haircut). Looking fresh and hip with my incredibly sexy haircut, I took the drive out to Barton Creek Mall. You heard me right. That’s down in Westlake, people. That’s like the best mall in town! Because I’m so smooth, I found a parking space right up front next to Dillard’s, and Lids happened to be right there around the corner close to the Banana Republic.

If you need a break from all this excitement, feel free to do so now. I’ll wait.

Back? OK great. So I creep right into Lids and go straight to the section with all the baseball teams, and I pull out a sweet Rangers ball cap and it fits perfectly. Many of you already know that I have a hard time finding the perfect hat because my head is weirdly shaped and only certain hats look good on me, but this one did. So after I tried on a handful of others to make sure this was the right cap, I went ahead and purchased this bad boy. If that weren’t enough, I said “screw it”, and I renewed my membership card because for only $5, I get special members only offers and this year I’m totally gonna take advantage of that sweetness. Because of my naturally rebellious nature, I went ahead and refused to have the guy put the purchase in a bag and I walked strutted out of that store wearing it because nothing enhances a great haircut more than putting on a fresh new ball cap. On my way out, I came across a sunglasses kiosk nestled in between the AT&T stand and the place that sells remote control helicopters and I didn’t hesitate to stop. I found myself an ultra swish pair of shades and the dude working there said I could get another pair for the unbelievable price of $22.50! Hell, the one pair itself was $17, so how can I say no to getting a second pair for an extra $5.50? That’s just crazy talk!

Man…by that time it was only 8:00 and already I had a fresh haircut, a new Rangers cap, and not one, but TWO brand new pair of glades.

I should probably stop here and continue this later, because it’s late and you need to get to bed, but you’re on the edge of your seat and you want more, so I’ll continue.

I walked on out of that mall swimming in awesomeness and by the looks I was getting by those teenage girls, it was pretty obvious I was fly like a rock star. I almost went into Brookstone, and then maybe the LEGO store, but it was time for me to get the hell on because a man’s gotta eat. As part of my “hall pass” I get to eat wherever I want and no woman’s gonna tell me where I can or can’t go! There were so many choices and I started to text Shelley to ask for suggestions, but then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m gonna drive out to Wells Branch and get me some Bill Miller BBQ. Hell yea, people. I ain’t no sissy going to SuperSalads or something lame like that, I’m eating ribs tonight! (Also the dog loves it when I have ribs because that means he gets to eat good too). So 45 minutes later, I’m standing in line looking intently at the menu when I finally see it like a beacon in the night…the rib plate for $7.25. Yea that comes with THREE sides! And right underneath it, I see something that literally made my jaw drop…rib plate PLUS one additional meat for $9.45. Am I dreaming?? Are you gonna tell me with a straight face that I can get another meat of my choice for only $2.20 more? No doubt homey, bring it on. I’ll take brisket. But not just ordinary brisket, I want the moist stuff. They call it “marble”. I pay the lady and of course I have to wait a good 5 minutes for my food, but that’s all cool and the gang because I had 2 games of Words with Friends going so, whatever.

Flash forward to an hour later and the dog and I are chowing down on our voluptuous meaty goodness while watching TIVO recordings of last season’s NCIS. By now, it’s already 11:00, so it’s time to go ahead and start winding down. That’s when I sit down to write this blog. It’s now 12:30, but I don’t care. Even though I have another big day tomorrow, I may go ahead and stay up another 30 minutes or so.  I can’t promise anything, my friends, but I may wash the truck (inside and out), get some laundry done, and even make it to Target for some screen protectors for my iPhone (but I don’t know about that just yet, I may not have the time). I think I’m just not gonna plan anything and see where the day takes me. I’m pretty spontaneous like that. I may get really stupid and get me some Hooter’s wings while I watch the Texas game. Again, I can’t promise you anything. You’re just gonna have to wait until tomorrow night to hear what adventures I get myself into. Until then, my loyal readers (I think I may have actually dropped back to 9), have a good night. Sweet dreams!

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Day 1: Life of Rob

Through the encouragement of my dear wife, Shelley, I’ve decided it’s time to start my own blog. I don’t know exactly where I’m going with it, but it doesn’t matter, because no one knows it’s here. I have to admit I’m a little nervous about this. For one thing, I am notoriously introverted and it’s pretty rare that I let anyone into my sick mind. I am terribly scared to share my thoughts because I am extremely sensitive to what people think about me and I am horrible about beating myself up for things I’ve said or done. I am still mad at myself for saying certain things in the 6th grade!

Regardless, here it is. This is me…Rob. All of me. I am full of contradictions. I am a nerd. I strive to be the cool kid, although it almost never works out for me. I have a super inflated ego and I really do believe I am destined for greatness (although I’m a born loser). I’ve never been good at thinking on my feet and problem solving means ignoring the issue and hope it goes away. My boss has threatened to fire me a half a dozen times or more, yet he keeps me on because he believes in me and says I am “not as dumb as I look”. Thanks Ben! I’m a music snob. I can’t just listen to anything on the radio. A song or an album has to really touch me deep in my soul before it can make it on my iPod. Glee makes me nauseous. So does YMCA. I can’t bring myself to do the arm motions because I feel like an idiot and also I hate following the crowd.

Why, you ask, am I starting a blog, if I don’t like following the crowd? Good question. Hence the ever growing contradictions that is the life of Rob. Welcome to my world.

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